How to stop feeling insecure when entering a new relationship?

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SUMMARY:

Today’s topic is huge and very significant! So I would like to invite you to sit back and listen about the issue of insecurity, and in particular insecurity that rises when one considers entering a relationship.

Point no.1: Stop trying to read minds.

Most relationship problems start with bad communication, which in turn leads to attempted mind reading. This process of wondering and trying to guess what someone is thinking is a rapid route to feelings of insecurity and stress. If someone says one thing, don’t assume they mean something else.  If they say nothing at all, don’t assume their silence has some hidden, negative connotation.  Likewise, say what you mean and mean what you say.

Point no. 2:   Stop looking for perfect relationships.

We are all seeking those special relationships that feel perfect for us, but if you’ve been through enough relationships, you begin to realize that there are no “perfect people” for you. That’s because we are all imperfect in some way. It takes a lot of life experience and self discovery to grow fully into yourself and realize your own imperfections; and it isn’t until you accept your deepest imperfections that you are able to proficiently select harmonious relationships. Only then do you finally know what you’re looking for.

Point no.3:  Stop judging current relationships based on past ones.

If you suspect that you have been making unfair comparisons between your present relationships and a negative one from the past, take a moment and consciously reflect on the hurtful qualities of this old, negative relationship, and then think of all the ways your present relationships differ.  This small exercise will help you let go of the old bricks and remind you that past pains are not indicative of present possibilities.

Point no. 4:   Stop focusing on the negatives.

No meaningful relationship will always work flawlessly all the time. Insecure people constantly look for signs of what’s not working in their relationships. What you need to do is look for signs of what is. Having an appreciation for how remarkable the people in your life are is key to functional relationships.

 

Bearing these points in mind, you will gradually be able to to feel more confident and strong when entering into a new relationship. And remember: We all share the same challenges. As long as we share and learn from each other, the better the quality of our lives is going to be. 

FULL TRANSCRIPT:

Hello this is Eva Lychrou, Greek psychotherapist and coach in London. Today’s topic is huge and very significant! So I would like to invite you to sit back and listen about the issue of insecurity, and in particular insecurity that rises when one considers entering a relationship. Here is what Maria shares with us:

Hello Eva, thank you for sharing all this valuable knowledge and inspiration through your videos. I would like to share my personal story: Ever since I was little I often felt inadequate and “not good enough” to be friends; now that I’m older I share the same feeling when it comes to being a lover with certain people. Sometimes I simply can’t understand what others see in me.  I feel very insecure. On many occasions I have rushed to end a promising relationship just because of my insecurity.  In my mind, it feels easier for me to end it before they do.  Of course after a while, I usually regret my decision. So what can I do to stop my insecurity from damaging my relationships? Thank you, Maria”.

Maria, what an honest and brave question! First of all you need to understand that a good relationship is about sharing ideas and enjoyable moments with another, to help each other grow in healthy ways, both together as well as individuals. If someone does treat you poorly or lies and cheats you out of something, feeling insecure is a natural and reasonable response. However, if you’re in a generally good relationship with someone, these are the things you should bear in mind next time so that you don’t sabotage yourself and your relationship because of insecurity:

Point no.1: Stop trying to read minds. Most relationship problems start with bad communication, which in turn leads to attempted mind reading. Mind reading occurs when two people assume that they know what the other is thinking when they don’t. This process of wondering and trying to guess what someone is thinking is a rapid route to feelings of insecurity and stress. If someone says one thing, don’t assume they mean something else. If they say nothing at all, don’t assume their silence has some hidden, negative connotation. Likewise, don’t make the people in your life try to read your mind. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Give the people in your life the information they need, rather than expecting them to know the unknowable.

Point no. 2: Stop looking for perfect relationships. We are all seeking those special relationships that feel perfect for us, but if you’ve been through enough relationships, you begin to realize that there are no “perfect people” for you, just different flavours of imperfect ones.  That’s because we are all imperfect in some way. You yourself are imperfect in many ways, and you seek out relationships with people who are imperfect in complementary ways. It takes a lot of life experience and self discovery to grow fully into yourself and realize your own imperfections; and it isn’t until you accept your deepest imperfections, your unsolvable flaws – the ones that truly define who you are – that you are able to proficiently select harmonious relationships.  Only then do you finally know what you’re looking for.

Point no.3:  Stop judging current relationships based on past ones. If you carry old bricks from the failed relationships of your past to your present relationships, you will build the same flawed structures that fell apart before. So if you suspect that you have been making unfair comparisons between your present relationships and a negative one from the past, take a moment and consciously reflect on the hurtful qualities of this old, negative relationship, and then think of all the ways your present relationships differ. This small exercise will help you let go of the old bricks and remind you that past pains are not indicative of present possibilities.

Point no. 4: Stop focusing on the negatives. No meaningful relationship will always work flawlessly all the time. There will always be difficulties present, but you can still focus on the good. Insecure people constantly look for signs of what’s not working in their relationships.  What you need to do is look for signs of what is. Having an appreciation for how remarkable the people in your life are is key to functional relationships. So notice their strong qualities, cheer for their victories, and encourage their goals and ambitions. Challenge them to be the best they can be. Every day, acknowledge just how amazing they are. But doing so, you will gradually be able to appreciate your great qualities too….

Before I wrap this up, here’s a tweet for you to share:

insecurity tweet english Maria, these were my tips to you. I know I said a lot but I made sure it was worth it! Now I would love to hear from you. When it comes to your relationships, what makes you feel insecure? Please leave a comment below and share your thoughts.

Sign up to receive updates from me at evalychrou.com and don’t forget to share this video with your friends.

And remember: we all share the same challenges. As long as we share and learn from each other, the better the quality of our lives is going to be.    

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