Can you remember how many times you have blamed someone in your life for the things that have happened to you?… But have you ever considered that when you blame someone else, you make THEM responsible for what’s going on in YOUR life??? Have you ever thought to yourselves, if things had gone the way YOU wanted them to, would your life have REALLY been better? Would you be the person you are today? Have you ever realised that when you’re in pain it’s because you’re OVERVALUING the impact an event had on the NEGATIVE side of your life and UNDERVALUING instead the impact on the POSITIVE side?
Ultimately what does everybody want more than anything else? An extraordinary quality of life! Have you ever thought about what determines the quality of your life? What is it that shapes us as human being? The quality of our lives is nothing but the quality of our emotions. The minute we experience meaning, it triggers emotion, the twin forces of life are meaning and emotion. Meaning is the force that shapes life, emotion is what colours it. So going back to my previous point, have you considered that you get to choose the meaning you give to the circumstances and the conditions all around you? This is especially true when it comes to interacting with other significant people. Have we realised that by maintaining a certain meaning = emotion about a certain person, that ultimately affects your life? What if you were able to change the blame you put on other people, and make it more effective for BOTH of you?
The truth is that it’s only fair to blame effectively for both. If you are going to blame someone you need to blame them for the bad AND the good that came as a result of the situation – blame consciously instead of unconsciously. So by changing the meaning you give, this ultimately will impact the emotions created; thus changing your lives!
So before I share my story I would like you to think of the following questions:
What’s an event in your past that you thought had a huge impact on your life? What was the impact of that event on your life up until today? Who do you blame? What do you blame them for? As a result, what has been the impact on your life? How has it affected you negatively? What emotions have you lived with because of the limitations of that story?
Now I would like you to tell the story from another perspective. I would like you to tell the old story from God’s perspective, (if you believe) or even imagine yourself telling it from the perspective of a wounded child. You could even imagine you say the old story like a spoiled brat! You could whine, stomp, pound your fists on the ground as you tell it!
Now I would like to invite you to really consider what is the truth? What’s your new story? What can you blame them for now, more effectively? What’s beautiful in your life today and why because of them?
Lastly what would you say if you were to call the person you blamed for and blame them this time around, effectively, with no expectation of a response?
Here is the story I would like to share with you about a client of mine who tried applying these questions with his story…
I usually call my dad every morning on my way to work, but today it took me the entire car ride to actually pick up the phone and call. I kept telling myself that I wasn’t ready to say all these things and I wanted to make sure I said all the right things and then I just thought to myself, “you’re just holding on to that old story because it’s what you know and it’s where you’re comfortable”…
You see I used to blame my dad for all the times that he wasn’t available when I was little. I used to blame him for not giving me attention and love when I needed it the most… I used to put my dad down to make myself feel better about what had happened “to me”. Typically this is the story that I would believe, but this time around, instead of focusing on myself and going back into my old pattern, it made me see my dad in a whole new light! I was able to put myself in his shoes, and remember images, gestures and emotions that I had forgotten… I realised that all this time I hadn’t taken the time to see that my dad isn’t that person at all. The truth is he has been caring, loving, strong and supportive and I wouldn’t have been here today if it wasn’t for him…
… When talking to him, he understood that I was upset and he wanted to make sure that I was OK. After reassuring him that I was fine, and sharing what I had realised, he thanked me for “blaming” him again today; only this time it was different. He told me that he had felt understood, loved and appreciated like never before! So had I!…”