How to Love Your Imperfect Family…

I will never forget my training in family therapy when my trainer told us: "the definition of a dysfunctional family is any family consisting of more than two members!"

Since family is such a frequent topic of discussion in my work, I thought I’d share some key points to keep in mind when thinking about your own family or any other family system.

1. Functionality exists within a Spectrum

Every family moves between being functional and dysfunctional depending on what is happening at any given moment. Significant life changes—the birth of a baby, a job loss, moving houses, the death of a grandparent, or even a pandemic—create stress for all members.

The family’s goal is to find a new balance. In these moments, it’s vital to remember that each member processes stress differently. While one person says they are "fine," another might manifest a significant problem. In these cases, instead of labeling someone as the "difficult" or "problematic" member, remember that their "problem" is often a symptom of the distress within the entire family system.

2. The Unspoken Rules

Healthy families are flexible; they adapt to both the good and the bad. To understand a family system, you have to look for what is happening that isn't being said out loud. Every family has its own rules about what can be discussed.

For example, a family might have an unwritten rule that says: "We never talk openly; we must always show that everything is fine." If you feel a deep need to speak up—perhaps because you are struggling with depression—you might end up being labeled the "outsider." This can lead to self-doubt and a feeling that you don't belong.

3. Permission to Differentiate

Is differentiation allowed in your family? When families don't permit different ways of expression, they build walls. This leaves members feeling disconnected, which impacts their mental health.

Often, the people who seek therapy are the truth-tellers. They are the ones who have developed the ability to observe the hidden dynamics. Because they react differently—for instance, by asking for help when the "system" says "keep it hidden and move on"—the rest of the family may struggle to understand them. These members see the paradox between what is happening inside the house and the image presented to the world.

4. Parents are Human, Too

Parents generally do the best they can within the framework they were raised in, based on their own experiences and hardships. To understand your family history and recurring patterns, the genogram is the best tool available.

The sooner you realise there is no such thing as a "perfect parent," the better. Mistakes are inevitable and human. Love is messy, exhausting, and fulfilling all at once. Nothing is purely black or white. It is important to be kind to yourself and others, and to practice forgiveness.

Keep in mind: Before the 1970s, many parents believed their only role was to keep their children alive, fed, and schooled. Today, we are flooded with parenting information that makes comparison between generations unfair.

Even with the most difficult parents, there will always be a shared thread. Our parents live in our memories; they are a part of us. They shape us, and that bond is often much deeper and more complex than we expect. You cannot simply "cut them out" without acknowledging that influence.

Reflecting on this...

Which of these points resonates most with you? Is there a specific part of this systemic perspective that you’d like to keep with you?

Curious about your own family patterns? Click here to learn how a genogram can map your history.