Should You Go To Therapy Together Or Alone?

When something in a relationship feels stuck or painful, one of the first questions people ask is: Should we go to therapy together, or should I start on my own?

It’s a good and important question — and the answer often depends on what’s happening between you, and within you. Both paths can be deeply helpful, but in different ways.

Understanding the difference can make it easier to choose what’s right for where you are now.

When Individual Therapy Helps a Relationship

Sometimes, the best place to start is with yourself.

If you keep finding yourself in the same arguments, or feeling anxious, distant, or unsure of what you want, individual therapy can help you slow down and understand what’s really going on underneath.

It offers space to explore your patterns, emotions, and expectations without worrying about how your partner might react. You can begin to notice things like:

• How past experiences shape the way you handle conflict or closeness.

• What happens inside you when you feel criticised or misunderstood.

• Why certain dynamics repeat across different relationships.

For instance, someone might realise they tend to please others to avoid conflict — or that they shut down when they fear rejection. When those patterns come into awareness, you naturally start relating differently, both to yourself and to your partner.

In that sense, individual therapy doesn’t just “fix” a relationship — it changes the foundation you bring into it.

When Couples Therapy Makes More Sense

Sometimes, though, the problem isn’t just within one person — it’s between you.

If you love each other but keep getting stuck in the same painful loops, or you find yourselves misunderstanding each other even when you’re trying your best, couples therapy can help you see what’s happening in that space between you.

It’s not about deciding who’s right or wrong. It’s about slowing things down enough to notice the pattern.

For example:

• One partner withdraws to stay calm, which makes the other feel ignored — so they push harder.

• The more one partner tries to fix things, the more the other feels pressured and shuts down.

Once these patterns are visible, couples begin to work with them rather than against them. Over time, conversations that used to end in defensiveness or distance start to feel safer, more honest, and more connected.

Couples therapy gives you tools to communicate better, but more importantly, it helps you understand what’s beneath your reactions — what you’re really longing for when you argue or disconnect.

How to Decide Where to Start

Here’s a simple guide to help you think it through:

If you’re struggling with…Consider starting with…

• Repeating patterns in your relationships ->Individual therapy

• Feeling unsure about staying or leaving -> Individual therapy

• Communication issues or emotional distance -> Couples therapy

• Frequent arguments or tension -> Couples therapy

• Partner reluctant to join therapy -> Individual therapy (for now)

• A mix of personal and shared struggles -> Either — or a combination

The truth is, there’s no wrong starting point. Many people move between both. Some begin individually to gain clarity, then bring their partner in later. Others start together, then continue individually to explore deeper personal layers.

Therapy isn’t about choosing a format — it’s about finding the space that helps you feel more seen, understood, and connected.

FAQs About Couples vs. Individual Therapy

1. Can I do both at the same time?
Yes — many people benefit from combining both. You might work on personal growth individually while exploring shared dynamics in couples therapy. If you do, it’s important that your therapists are aware of each other’s role to maintain alignment and support.

2. What if my partner doesn’t want to come?
That’s very common. You can still start therapy on your own. Working individually often shifts the relational dynamic in unexpected ways — even one person changing can make a big difference.

3. Will therapy mean we’ll end up breaking up????
Therapy isn’t about steering you toward staying or leaving; it’s about creating clarity. Some couples grow stronger, while others realise they want to part on healthier terms. Either way, therapy supports you in making choices with awareness, not fear.

4. What if I want to go to couples therapy but my partner prefers individual?
That’s okay — both are valid. You can talk about what each of you hopes to gain, and even begin individually with the possibility of couples work later. It’s not an either/or situation.

5. How do I know when to switch from one to the other?
If you’ve done individual work and find yourself longing to apply it within the relationship, it might be time for couples sessions. If you’re in couples therapy and realise there are personal wounds holding you back, individual work can be a natural next step.

A Space to Begin

Whether you start together or alone, the real work of therapy is about understanding what’s happening — within you and between you — with gentleness and curiosity.

If something in your relationship feels uncertain or painful, the first step is simply to reach out and begin the conversation.